Unfortunately my posts aren’t all fabulous hotels and the best foundation for a full-coverage look lately. My posts are very much what’s been going on (and what hasn’t to be more precise) in my life. So tonight I’ve decided to write about my own theory on that weird feeling, Loneliness.
At the moment I’m going through one of the most heart-ripping times of my life and every single tick of the clock reminds me how alone I am and if you want to keep on reading you’ll maybe begin to see why this feeling is one of the worst I’ve experienced.
Loneliness. What comes to mind when you see or say this word? How does this word make you feel? Have you felt it before? It’s not pleasant I’m sure you would agree and it’s even more unpleasant to feel this word in it’s full-bodied way as not only does it slowly chisel itself into your life, if you let it, it will wrap around you like a cocoon and you become the caterpillar inside complete darkness as the world continues to spin around you and you become consumed by every element of the word. Deep Huh?
To me, although the words ‘Alone’ and ‘Lonely’ look and sound as if they must mean similar things or even the same thing but we all know that they’re pretty different and it all depends on your situation. The word ‘Alone’ can be used to describe a positive feeling or being. If you’re ‘Alone’ then you may have chosen this and ‘Chose’ being the operative word here. If you’re alone by choice, a choice you’ve made for some reason which at the end of this ‘Alone-ness’ you can happily go about your life as you were and nothing is affected. I don’t blame you for having Alone-time, in fact I used to love running off upstairs for a full on pamper night (especially a Sunday!) and being all alone enjoying my own company then I’d snuggle down into fresh sheets and pop on a chilled out TV show, Y’know, the easy watching kind on a Sunday. Now, the bubble baths and pamper night’s are still an option for me to choose however, here’s where we get to that word I can’t say out loud anymore without my chest tightening up – you know the word I mean but i’ll say it again just in case – Lonely. There. I said it.
This is also where the words begin to interlink slightly because here’s where we find ‘Alone’ yet without choice hence that creepy little word then comes back into play. Think about it, if you’re lonely (which we’re beginning to establish that this is the word that describes a feeling that happens when you find yourself alone) but aren’t exactly enjoying that fact because you didn’t choose it then this is where it becomes the way i explained earlier.
Now If you’re still reading then I also believe that feeling lonely can be ok at times but when it consumes you and who you are, what you feel, what you say, how you act and your well being becomes compromised then the loneliness becomes something you need to break away from. You’ll know it’s time to break from this when your loneliness is the only thing you can feel even if you’re surrounded by your nearest and dearest. This is exactly me, every moment, every tick of that clock. I’m lucky. I have so many wonderful people who care, who want me to be ok and who have given and would give up a hundred-million hours of their time to me just to keep me above water and to close the door on the loneliness for a while. It kind of helps and the fact that I say ‘Kind of’ is because im in the cocoon of lonely right now as you’ve probably gathered and that’s scary because no matter how many people, phone calls, texts and everything in-between I’m this shell on auto-pilot nodding, talking about the same thing over and over, crying, forcing a smile then going back to talking over the same old stuff. I’m even more lucky because these wonderful people haven’t decided to give up on me yet because i’ve definitely forgotten who I am and what’s likeable about me so the people I talk of deserve a medal if they can still see some of me left.
Let’s talk about choices again. Remember I said being alone can be good if it’s a Choice? Then when it’s without choice it becomes the feeling of Loneliness? Well I’m in an Alone/Lonely ‘choice’ limbo. I chose to come away from a situation therefore making me alone however it was never in my heart or my mind that I would end up so terribly lonely. Why? because I thought my choice was a good one. The saviour of what I so badly wanted to save and now I’m alone and Lonely. Do I deserve this feeling? Is this my ‘poor-choice Karma’? or are we allowed to make mistakes, make decisions which at the time you think are going to help and then want to go back on your decision and want things to be how they were? If you were to say ‘yes’ you can make mistakes and choose to go back on your decisions because we’re human. Well, I can’t. It’s too late and my biggest struggle is my ongoing losing battle with that word.
If you have someone or some people to come home to after a day at work and have things going on to occupy your mind then you may still at times feel ‘lonely’ however you’re never really ‘alone’ and that’s something special. That may make sense to some of you but maybe not all.
Maybe one day my life will go back to how it was. Maybe it won’t but I’ll soon find out a direction and my only choice will be to go with it. If you want something, fight for it but when you’re fighting make sure you have something to win at the end or why should you come out with a story of a war but to end up with nothing?
If you’re reading this and have felt or are feeling similar to how I am right now then feel free to comment below how you closed the door on your loneliness. I’d love to hear your tips! As I miraculously get through every day I’ll keep you posted on my Instagram, Twitter and Blog. Lets try and #beatloneliness because I need to for my own self and I want to help others who feel anywhere near the same! I’ll try my best. It’s all anyone can do.
I hope this helps you know you’re not alone when you’re having your time of loneliness. I know how it feels. My best advice right now is keep letting those people in who have your best interests at heart because whatever’s making you lonely, those people will always give you a choice.